Kingston & Surbiton Pub Review 2010

Recommended
Beer

The Kingston and Surbiton pub survey commenced on Friday 9^th May 1986 at the Waggon with a strong research team of K1, K2, JR, Dave, Tony and Alan.  Guest associates that night were Evan, Linda, Frank and John Smith; JA was also a regular original team member but missed the first date.  New team members were recruited; Brian (1988), Sheila (1989) and Rob (1992) - there have been a few retirements along the way; Alan (1990), JA (1991), Tony (1998) and Rob (2005).  As the Team is unsure of the relevance of their research data, the survey continues, and this trip to the Wych witnessed the 1000^th pub research visit of your reporter.  I guess that’s 5000 pints (2.5 tons) of beer costing £15,000 and still no tentative conclusions may be drawn.  Anyway the evening was an excellent game of three halves; three hours in the garden discussing various issues, two hours inside quizzing Hilary and Tensing on mountaineering issues, and finally a couple of hours of darts.  The full survey team comprised K1 (1000 pubs), K2 (936), Dave (909), Brian (835), Holly, Malcolm, Hilary (Glen), Tensing (Brian2), Noel and Sam.  JR (615) was sadly absent. No sentiment in the arrers – your reporter celebrated this milestone with zero wins!  Just desserts for not bothering with a ruby. (KS) K2-4, N-4, B-3, D-3, K1-0

‘Last Ride from Gumshoe’ – the red carpet was rolled out for the star, but only two punters turned up to congratulate him.  After decades of travelling up from Gumshield for the Friday night sessions, John is retiring to take up his seat (Petworth House?) as Lord Reay of Petworth.  The darts were pretty good and John had two extremely close 180 attempts; however, it’s doubles for dough.  An unthirsty evening, tucked up in bed before midnight – shame!  (KS) Singles, B-10, K1-8, J-4

Lord Reay’s Petworth House

Hot and humid conditions down the Spring causing the players to sweat up in the paddock.  Dave even turned up in his Ranulph Fiennes Polar Wear (well, a denim jacket actually).  Maybe it was this heatwave or possibly the slow drinking (4 pints in 3 hours) but the darts were pretty uninspiring.  A millimetre miss of a 167 finish was all I can remember.  The Spring is a top lively venue as normal. (KS) B-10, K1-8, K2-7, D-5

The end of four weeks of ‘World Cup Specials’ during which we have seen two nil-nils (including Fabio’s boys), a stitch-up non-game and, finally, in the 123^rd minute of the last game a touch of drama.  There may be slightly more pressure taking a last-minute penalty for one billion Africans than going for double-top down the Prince, but the same basic principles apply.  These Jabolanis (balls and darts) tend to fly high with too much power – just make sure you don’t hit it too high........oh well! – next ‘World Cup Special’ from Brazil in 2014 – suggest we try the Wych!  Concentration levels very low for the arrers (K2 going to the dentist to get his eyes fixed!), but with some input from Les, who could be John’s permanent replacement, the standard was not too awful; and the beer was good. (KS) K1-7, B-7, K2-3, D-1

A Spanish atmosphere down the Wych – pity about the non-competitive match.  After watching some footee and a chat in the garden, the highly competitive and somewhat raucous darts kicked off at 10pm.  I know it’s risky saying it, but the standard seemed much improved and included the now-standard burst of brilliance, this time a 3-dart bull finish from Dave.  John stayed late and demonstrated yet again that his time is from 11pm to midnight; some excellent rapid finishing that I am informed was loudly celebrated!.....but not as loud as the lady in the crowd, who was either laughing at the quality of the darts, or had just heard the funniest joke ever told.  Top 3.5 hour session. (KS) J-11, D-9, K1-5, N-5, B-4

The England Football Team has a top international coach (that’s Don Fabio) earning £100K per week; the Rejects Arrers Team has a coach (that’s Dave) who earns a cheese roll.  England has a massive well-paid support team; the Rejects have Sheila, who multi-tasks as the team nutritionist, masseuse, psychologist and general cheerleader, for which she receives a red wine (poor quality) allowance.  The Rejects live up to their potential and England does not; the darts is far more entertaining and the players are not upset by supporters booing, because this is the norm.  Draw your own conclusions.  The arrers followed the recent pattern of ‘general mediocrity with an unexpected burst of brilliance’.  This week, the darts started well but declined after Sheila provided some nosebag, proving that simultaneous chewing and throwing is not recommended.  Then, out of the blue, a 6-dart 280 finish; firstly Dave with a 180 and then K2 completed the task with a 3-darter 100 (60, 12, x14) - fortunately he was deflected from the original plan of going for x19!  The arrers have not been improved by the introduction of the Jabolani Dart; this has a tendency to veer wide of the mark or fly over the top of the board.  Excellent live wailing guitar down the Prince. (KS) K2-9 K1-6, B-6, D-5

The start of the World Cup and an early start in the pub for a never-to-be-forgotten high scoring classic between Belgium and Bolivia.  The darts were even more exciting, with Dave continuing his excellent recent form and winning the evening as well.  K2 was having trouble with his mince pies, and claiming an inability to see the board clearly was having an adverse effect on his aim; funny that, it’s when it goes all blurry that my darts seem to improve!! (KS) D-9, K1-7, K2-4, B-3, N-1

The Foxnhounds is a strange place; you never feel that welcome and the landlord appears to wish for a punter-free hostelry.  That’s this week’s excuse for poor darts anyway.  The first game was a 60-darter (the chalker counted) and the last game could well have been worse.  There was some mild improvement in between with a ridiculous 180 (uncelebrated due your reporter’s poor eyesight and total lack of belief) followed in the next game by yet another Dave 3-dart bull finish.  Fortunately the winning post was set at 7 games, ensuring a curtailment of frustration and an early bed. (KS) D-7, K1-5, K2-3

A Norton at full throttle up the Waggon, so an early call for the Spring.  A brilliant start with Dave’s first game bull and a super finish with John’s 3-darter with double-top; unfortunately, over two hours of mediocrity (with a few bright moments) sandwiched in between.  Evidently Dave, the Spring Grove specialist, was the top player all evening, so how come he finished third?  The mystery of top-class competitive arrers! (KS) J-9, K1-9, D-8, K2-6

With the sudden onset of summer and warm, balmy evenings, there was a feeling that something special may occur.  K2 started with some fortunate darts, built on this to play some good darts and then hit a purple patch, culminating in an extra special game. Six darts down to 135 and then the top finish ever (60,25,bull) that scores on four counts – a 9-dart 301, a 3-dart finish, an over-100 finish and a bull.  After that emotional moment, the purple patch ended and Brian, following a long bald patch, took the prize with a final game shoot-out.  Tip-top evening.  (KS) B-10, K2-9,  K1-6

A triple birthday celebration.  John was adamant; out with the fish and chips, out with the early poshnosh, out with the nuts and crisps – a return to the traditional beer/curry combo.  A good call too, as the new curry house proved a major improvement on the ‘I’m not going to that ‘king funeral parlour’ Agra.  The wife was on tenterhooks all evening, worried that your reporter might take a pop at the Kingston MP, Ed Davey, on his idea for the ‘single transferrable vote’ – vote Libdem to ‘keep the Tories out’ and then transfer the vote to keep them in!   The Prince continues to impress with excellent Seafarers ale – it’s a top venue for darts, but not, unfortunately, a venue for top darts! (KS) B-5, K1-5, K2-5, D-3, J-2

Here are the contenders for the new league relaxing in the players’ lounge; they are discussing the usual cycling, sailing, skiing, logistics, volcanic ash and a touch of politics – how come 29,461 of our fellow citizens cast their vote for Old Etonian spiv and chancer, Lord No-tax Zak Goldfish?  Then the darts commences and the ‘1’ takes one hell of a hammering; John nets a couple of early goldfish, but draws inspiration from them and finishes both games in style.  John also contributed the ‘joke of the week’ – apparently your reporter is the ‘flounder of the goldfish club’ – holy mackerel! – I know my plaice!  Some inspired darts, some garbage, plenty of banter, a touch of Tourettes, excellent Best (Gertcha!).  This report is too fishy – ‘bream me up Scotty’. (KS) B-6, K1-4, J-3, K2-3, D-2

We have done a few things to get a game of arrers in the past; move the furniture, mark out an oche, bring your own chalk, but it is certainly a new one to have to supply and fit your own lightbulb.  In the end, it was a good move as the Spring generally has an atmosphere conducive to good darts.  I left my darts, but am hopeful of recovering them, although it may be better just to forget them!  The Spring is a good pub that still buzzes, but a trip to B&Q wouldn’t go amiss, and while they’re there they could maybe arrange for the bog to be renovated. (KS) K1-8, K2-8, B-7, D-5

Strange Days!  Big silver birds grounded so you can hear the small feathery ones.  Dave made his terrestrial way home from Hamburg and John made Val d’Isere for a European darts challenge, but Malcolm really was marooned in Athens.  Unconventional to have the birthday and anniversary curry precede the drink, but it appeared successful in attracting extra punters; and the food was much better.  The darts were peculiar – some dross, including a ‘double-fish’, but also some excellent 3-darters and a rather ace bull. (KS) B-6, D-4, K1-4, K2-4

The Foxnhounds was buzzing with punters, due to the sudden arrival of summer after an interminable winter.  The first time for weeks that we had the full complement of players; Shakin’ John Reay had even been working in Chile.  Consequently, there was plenty to rabbit about and the concentration levels were very low; even a few pints of excellent Best failed to relieve the mediocrity.  At least we saw a bull finish from Brian.  An excellent darts venue. (KS) B-8, D-6, K1-5, J-5, K2-4

Walking to the pub late humming ‘You’ll be lonesome tonight, you’ll be…’, but I wasn’t!  Old times at the Wych with a real crowd producing loud animated bunny.  Malcolm and Holly were already installed, and K2 and Kathy raced back from Cornwall for some well-merited rehydration.  A rumour circulating that the pub would have a religious early closing due to ‘Bad Friday’ proved completely unfounded.  We left the pub quenched and happy at 12.25, a respectable time to go home.  Conversation too interesting to break for even a darts cameo.   (K1-0, K2-0)

Lights, camera, action!  Everything in order down the Prince for a solid evening of arrers.  We were enjoying it so much, we gave up on the idea of Dave’s birthday curry and made do with crisps and nuts; rather boring, but you wake up in the morning not feeling unwell with an extra fifteen quid in your pocket.  A close competition with Brian just triumphing at the last as your reporter, finish-less for two hours, came good after a few beers.  The Prince was good, but not sure about the ‘live’ music.

An evening of poor decision –making: 1. Possibly, the late change from the Fox to the Wych.  2. The decision to move to the Willoughby in search of variety and atmosphere.  3. The decision not to return quickly to the Wych.

Tumbleweed was blowing through the Willoughby; two dart boards were free, the beer was fine and Bossog was not apparent.  Unfortunately Lucy was playing – big voice, big hair, small audience.  We did have the opportunity to prove that we are worse at pool than we are at darts.  Meanwhile, Cathy had returned to the Wych to rendezvous with Hilary and Tensing.  A late (11.55 – 12.15) singles match with snappy finishing showed what we had missed. (KS) K1-5, K2-3

After moving the kitchen furniture, getting the light on, the TV off, and obtaining some new chalk, the game took off.  I believe your reporter finished the first two games but no more later during the next two hours.  However, it’s ‘partners for dough’ and there’s no better partner than John just before he goes home.  Some pretty good darts were played and the beer was a good; another early finish! (KS) K1-10, J-7, B-6, K2-5

Fox and Hounds

A good late rugger-induced decision to swap to the Foxnounds, where you can play darts in a lunar atmosphere.  The odds of K2 winning the evening were akin to Fulham beating the tricky Ukranian Brazilians of Donetsk; but again the old adage applies ‘tricky footwork for show, but putting the dart in the back of the net earns the dough’.  A quiet unthirsty evening, with Dave anticipating a couple of tough weeks in Barbados. (KS)  K2-11, K1-8, D-8, B-7

With Ranulph Reay iced up at his Gumshoe base camp, there were just four punters to celebrate the elevation to the Olympic Rejects pantheon of ace Aussie dartsman, Tony ‘nervous as a newt’ Fleet.  The extreme heat and lack of air at the Spring were much appreciated during this cold snap, and a competition of decent standard took place in the gloom.  After a couple of games of tactics, we slipped off at midnight.(KS) K2-9, D-7, B-6, K1-6

A happy new year to all (the few) readers and welcome to the fourth decade of Friday night drinking!  A cracking darts match to get this world cup year under way:  John, fresh from throwing a golf club 50 yards, ignored treacherous cycling conditions and was justly rewarded with a hat-trick of 3-darters and a share of the first evening championship: your reporter managed a truly bizarre ‘nul-pointer’ due to a ‘lack of air’ – well, the Waggon was rather devoid of atmosphere; some seriously dodgy chalking allowed 118 to be finished legally with a double-9; the recently-crowned (in absentia) Brian, with French practice nullified by train-lag, completed the evening with no finishes; finally, ‘the Wife’ had recently demoted herself at work, citing the need for more free time for drinking and darts practice – an early vindication was obtained with a classic 2-dart 93 finish (T19,D18).  Compared to golf, we are brilliant at arrers!  More evenings like that please! (KS) JR-10, K1-10, K2-7, D-4, F-4, B-3